This week on Glee: Feuds! Unfortunately not Family Feud, which I would desperately like to see the Hummel/Hudsons compete on, but entertaining feuds nonetheless. Feud doesn’t look like a word anymore.
We open with a recap of what is apparently the scandal of the millennium, the Finn/Emma kiss and its fallout, set over strains of “O Fortuna.” Artie, Blaine, and Tina sit Will and Finn down and tell them they’re feuding and it needs to stop. In this case, feuding means Will is treating Finn like an errand boy and Finn is going crazy and reverting back to his furniture kicking ways. Regionals are coming up (finally) and they need to be a cohesive team, so for the first time, the students pick this week’s theme – Epic Music Feuds – and give their teachers an assignment to do battle in song.
In New York, Rachel emerges from the doctor’s office to tell a waiting Santana that she isn’t pregnant and is excited to move forward. Santana tells her that this was her wake-up call and it’s time to take a look at her choices – especially Brody.
Speaking of Brody, he’s in a swanky hotel lobby looking around shiftily. For a hot second I thought the guy who approached him was going to be his John, but alas, it’s the less interesting and more predictable generic Cougar #4. He explains that he needs the money for his tuition, and then the prostitutes and their cougars (Was there some kind of convention?) launch into a rendition of “How to Be a Heartbreaker” while Rachel sings along alone in the loft. I just want to remind everyone that I predicted Brody being a prostitute when Santana guessed drug dealer, and I don’t know if it’s good or bad that my brain has rewired itself to be able to accurately guess Glee’s nonsensical plotlines. I’m going to talk about that instead of this performance, because it’s boring, and I think I saw Brody pelvic thrust the cougar across the elevator and then mentally checked out to save what’s left of my sanity.
Back at McKinley, Sue has summoned Blaine (or, rather, “Young Burt Reynolds”) to her office and reminds him that he joined the Cheerios but never returned after the first day. He tells her that he only joined because everyone thought Glee was disbanding, and she produces a forged contract binding him to the group – she wants him back on the squad. He says he’s just too busy and Tina chimes in to say she’ll rejoin – except Sue doesn’t even know why she’s there and dismisses her. She only wants Blaine, and says if he doesn’t come back, something unfortunate will happen. Then Becky offers to help him into his uniform and smacks his ass, which should have its own cast credit by now with how often its been featured.
Ryder has an online lady chat friend. Her name is katie_xoxo. Ryder, have you seen Catfish? IT’S GONNA BE A DUDE. It’s going to be Sandy Ryerson in the most brilliant callback of the series. Please, Grilled Cheesus, give this to me. Anyway, they’re super flirty and close even though it’s only been a week. He tells her that he got into a fight with Unique (PSA: I will be referring to her only as Unique from this point forward – I’ve alternated in the past based on how she was presenting in each particular episode, but given the declarations in tonight’s episode, I think it’s safe to stick to Unique) when she confronted him in the hallway about kissing Marley, because apparently the entire glee club ships Jarley. Well, at least someone does.
Ryder calls Unique “dude” and when she reminds him she’s a girl he gets transphobic and it’s awkward. Online lady chat friend katie_xoxo tells Ryder to call her out in a musical feud battle.