The Bachelor: Week Juan


Features Editor

The first week of any season of The Bachelor guarantees its audience two things. The first is that some woman is going to have a complete emotional breakdown. The second is that at least one completely ill-conceived limousine exit will present itself.

We have tears and we have what I can only describe as a bicycle-piano. Juan Pablo, your season is officially christened.

Let’s start with our top limousine exits. This is the ultimate definition of a first impression. You are one of twenty five (or in this season’s case, twenty seven) women and you have about 3 minutes to implant yourself in the mind of El Bachelor. To raise the stakes, there’s also the slight complication of knowing that this first impression will be watched by millions. So, in the dating world, The Bachelor limousine exits are the first impression Olympics. Let’s start with our top scorers.

We had the crafter who made a friendship bracelet for JPNR’s five-year-old daughter. Going for the stepmom card, well played.

We moved on to Nikki the Nurse (full name) who not only went with a stunning low back number, but coupled that with a stethoscope move to prove that her body was excited for the moment…  This tactic could be received in a number of ways, but it played well. I’m going to go ahead and put it on the record that Nikki the Nurse will go far.

Then there was Clare, who came out of the limo with a fake pregnancy bump……

Surprisingly, if previews are any indication (which of course they are), Clare will go far. She also probably hates Nikki the Nurse.

Next, we had Kat who claimed to be a former professional dancer, who then subsequently claimed to have never learned how to salsa dance. Personally, I think she deserves a prize for being the only professional dancer that managed to never learn one of the most popular dances of all time. But Juan Pablo kept it simple, and instead of asking her how she accomplished this amazing feat of non-education, took the bait and danced with the lady. She may not have fooled America, but she fooled El Bachelor, and for this, I give her top points.

Let’s move on to our musical talent portion of the show. I give top points to Sharleen, the opera singer, for not doing “the obvious” by walking out of the limo belting an Italian classic into JPNR’s face. She kept it simple and held what can only be described as a normal introduction. It was refreshing and certainly worthy of top points.

Unfortunately, our other half of the musical talent section, Lauren, absolutely took the bait and rode up the driveway cycling a piano, in a ball gown I might add, while playing an original number. Lauren, you and your dress are absolutely gorgeous. But that number was only cute when Vanessa Carlton took an emotional trip down the streets of America. Having a perfect stranger play music for you is always awkward, which is why everyone in the world secretly wants to be the best at avoiding mariachi bands. Now imagine that you walk into a blind date and it turns out your date IS the mariachi band. This is how I imagine JPNR feeling in this moment. Which is why I give Lauren a zero for her first impression. As a consolation prize for cycling up the driveway in a ball gown, I give Lauren a gift card to the best Mexican restaurant in Austin, and JPNR gave her another week in the mansion.

The best first impression without a doubt goes to Andi. She was cool, collected, and gracefully flirtatious. It was instant chemistry between those two, and I was sure Andi was getting the first impression rose. I was wrong, but thankfully my error was rewarded with the most suspenseful first impression rose of all time.

Turns out Juan Pablo was quite taken with Sharleen, the worldly Canadian opera singer living in Germany. I’m sure it was her decision to hold back from singing (she’s keeping him dangling on that one!), but he claims it’s her worldliness and excellent taste in formal attire. Agree to disagree, JPNR.

Now, normally when one is competing against 26 other gorgeous women for the attention of a potential Latin lover, one might be thrilled to discover that of all the women in the room that night, one shone the brightest. But leave it to Sharleen to give us all a fantastic cringe-worthy moment by almost rejecting the first impression rose.

There are many ways to put a target on your back on this show, but that’s certainly one of the more creative ones.

Finally, we must discuss the inevitable and total emotional breakdown of one unlucky female. Lauren H has a job that sounds made up (what is a mineral coordinator?), a loving family, and a fun, optimistic outlook on life. What more could she want? Well, like most women, she probably wants to not be dumped by her fiancé shortly before her wedding. I think we can all agree this is a reasonable request.

Unfortunately, someone convinced Lauren that a great way to get over her ex fiancé was to get under someone else. Specifically, El Bachelor, just months after her wedding was called off. This is what I would call terrible advice.

Lauren, honey, I have found that there is a time for grieving a past relationship and there is a time for being a contestant on The Bachelor. I have also found that those times never overlap. You’re gorgeous, loved, and shall henceforth be known as the girl that lost it on the first week of Juan Pablo’s season. There are worse things. At least you didn’t force JPNR into a table massage while making overtly pleasurable noises (Amy J, this was an exceedingly poor choice on your part).

So what about JPNR’s report card? Well, he handled his first night of dating multiple women on national television fairly well! He was kind, energetic, and started the night off with a dance party. If it weren’t for previews, I’d say this guy has things under control! However, this show was taped in advance. So enjoy your A+ this week, Juan Pablo, because eventually some woman is going to weepingly wish death upon you, and I can’t wait to find out why.

Happy dating!

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  • Chad Chen

    So this guy is making a lot of mistakes. Picking a cold, calculating witch like Sharleen is dumb, as is the decision to keep Andi, a tit-for-tat feminist lawyer; and Elise, a fat Italian girl. Christy and Victoria were my picks for the most beautiful girls.