With but a few days to go before the final episode of this season’s Gossip Girl, let’s assess what happened in GG 5×23, “The Fugitives.” After the mandatory recap reminding you that this is the least believable show on the planet, the viewer is treated to the sight of Bart and Chuck Bass talking shop in a dramatic wood-panelled room. We learn that ”a very powerful competitor of mine” (read: villain from the machine, classic GG end of season manoeuvre) is the reason why Bart faked his death and caused his son and wife a few episode’s worth of serious turmoil. In order to stress that this machine-bred villain is in fact, legit, Bass Senior notes, “he’d made it quite clear that you and Lily were fair game.” Thankfully, Chuck at least thinks this whole storyline is totally absurd and asks, ”what did we bury in that coffin?” The writers’ credibility, mon cher. And perhaps a misplaced appointment card for a lobotomy.
Meanwhile, in Brooklyn: “Humphrey residence, Blair Waldorf speaking.” Oh if only my Spidey senses hadn’t tingled and said SOMETHING IS AWRY. Because of course, Blair easily finds out that Dan was actually accepted to go to Italy and naturally, she’s pissed that her boyfriend lied to her. To be honest, it’s probably all built up resentment against his ridiculous post-shower hair. Someone get that boy some shears.
Nate looks particularly vacant in this episode but tries to pretend to be a badass when he tells Diana like it is. Or whatever. He cares about The Spectator and wants to “build something,” despite the fact that he seems to have made no contribution to this magazine other than his pretty face. If only he were as snappy as Blair, who tells us, ”the most important thing in a relationship is trust. After sex. And hygiene. And earning potential.” Hear hear.
After Serena’s ~emotional and moving~ Gossip Girl confession, SvdW tries to get her karma back in check by running a small errand for Blair but she’s once again rightly rebuffed with a snarky, “you think I’m cashing in your Gossip Girl guilt chip on some overpriced eye cream? I’ll think of something more useful.” I am so in favor of any and all snark directed at SvdW. Still, I don’t really understand why everyone forgives her.
Where forgiveness is being thrown around left, right and center, Bart hopes to be first in line, tugging fiercely at the Bass strings and answering the question no one really cared about when he reveals that he was the secret blood donor. Now let us all weep a crocodile tear for Mr. Chuck Bass when he realises that his father plans to ”leave me alone, again?” Such sentiments lead to his rousing insistence, ”he left to keep me safe, now it’s my turn to save him” and the line that made thousands of tumblr Chair fans punch the air: ”is there anywhere you have to be right now?” *Blair shakes head* (fool).
Despite her foolish shaking head… Waldorf again comes out with a stinger: ”you think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes?” That whole prostitute scheme was kind of ridiculous, but Lola’s dress was nice, so…
Follow the capturing of the sneaky PI and a boring storyline of Serena-plays-Blair-Waldorf with a “touching” scene between Serena and Blair, in which Blair says the fatal words, “Thanks S, you really are my best friend.” Oh boy, I didn’t even need to see the promo before I knew that was going to blow up in Blair’s face in the season finale.
Last, but not least, I leave you with Chuck’s remark to his long-dead-father: “you were too busy with those inappropriate transient women to teach me any valuable life lessons…except about inappropriate transient women.” Well, quite. Now stay away from Blair.
Monday’s episode will air at 8/7c on The CW and is called “The Return of the Ring.” The synopsis is as follows:
BLAIR MAKES A CHOICE BETWEEN THE TWO MEN IN HER LIFE – When Gossip Girl goes after Blair as she’s never done before, Serena admits she may have unintentionally played an important role in Blair’s latest nightmare. Meanwhile, Nate invites Lola (guest star Ella Rae Peck) to move in with him, and Lily must make a big decision about the future of her marriage. Finally, by episode’s end, Blair will make a choice between the two men in her life…will it be Chuck or will it be Dan? Kaylee DeFer and Matthew Settle also star. J. Miller Tobin directed the episode written by Sara Goodman.
Check out the promo below as well as some intriguing promotional pictures!